Just me and my overly hyperactive, oxygen-deprived imagination

I could easily tell that this is gonna be one of those days (or nights, if you're gonna go and nitpick) where I would spend time in the corner, talking to myself, ALONE. I never was one to handle being thrown off-balance. I mean, all of my rational thinking, analytical prowess (ahem, kapal) and generally sane disposition evade my grasp. In the corner. ALONE. Wondering what the friggin' hell am I doing here?! I thought I have gone forward already and took a 180° turn, only to find myself in the exact same spot I fled from. Running. Almost 2 years ago.

And what sorta bothers me is that it tends to be the same thing, AGAIN and AGAIN. Like a bad case of déjà vu gone worse. Or an endless rerun of horrendous slapstick sitcom episodes. Or a barrage of idiocy wherein instead of me fleeing, you see me catching every ounce and drop of it with open arms and a wide-gaping mouth. Aargh. I can feel my IQ points diminishing.

It is not that obvious that I am bashing myself. I am beating myself for digging up yet another pit for me to fall through. I am mad at myself for being such a fool. I am on the verge of trying self-mutilation but I am not that foolish (yet) or that brave even.

Why didn't I see the signs? Signs that I was again setting up myself for agony and pain and regret. Make no mistake though. I am not a sado-masochist (well, most of the time I am not). I don't like getting hurt and even if I appear to enjoy getting hurt, I assure you that I do not. Maybe I have seen the signs. Maybe I have seen them and just ignored them. You ask me why? Why indeed. Why would I ignore these signs if they were there to help me avoid such untold pain?

Maybe I was just blissfully unaware. Blissfully ignorant of the dangers that accompanied my kind of HAPPINESS. I feel happy. I felt happy. I was, for a time, HAPPY. But as the happiness ran out, I turned bitter. Or just severely melancholic. Or I was overcome by a schizophreniform disorder. I felt my veins and muscles were slowly caramelizing into a catatonic state and I became extremely overwhelmed with avolition. Crap! Crap! CRAP!

In my defense, I have already improved. I was not like this before. I was the worst kind of scum when it comes to this kind of stuff. I had this nasty habit of lunging at the next person I like and professing my undying devotion to them. Am different now. I'm a bit wiser. And when I say a "bit," I do mean a BIT.

If I pause and assess the situation, it's just me. I mean, the other person is completely clueless (or not) as to what I am going through, on what thoughts run across my mind, or even the feelings attached to being a mere "admirer." Wala siyang ginagawa. Ako lang itong gago na nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano. Ako lang ang dahilan bakit ako nagkakaganito. Wala nang iba pa. Also, I wouldn't venture that far by letting the person know. It wouldn't be natural. It would feel forced. It wouldn't be right. I wouldn't tell just so I can elicit a favorable response. Again, I am not that brave. Better shun telling than facing rejection. Or am I just making excuses?

I have always thought that everything will just work out the way they are supposed to in the end. Things always happen for a reason (and yes, aargh for being so cliché but that's the way I see things). I am still thinking things through. Sorting through the mess. Rummaging through countless excess baggages. You ask, what's the point in all of this? Probably in the middle of all this ranting is a silent prayer asking for help and forgiveness for everything. By the way, I still feel the same way. Confused. Wanting. Crappy. ALONE.

Failure to launch

We had an extremely superb, albeit short, weekend trip around the Bicol region. Despite the occasional drizzling during the day (and the torrential rains during the wee hours of the night), we were able to have lots of fun (and pictures taken too)!

After a grueling 20-hour trip, we were in Bicolandia. The travel time was sort of long but I think it gave us enough time to enjoy each others company. We waned the waiting time with a medley of sorts and our friends' signature moves kept us awake through most parts of the trip. In spite of the mishaps, we arrived quite safely at our destination around 4:00pm, Friday. The skies were already overcast, foreboding the weather conditions that awaited us.

The following day we went to CamSur for the wakeboard thingy. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it. But since we were already there, I have tried to give kneeboarding a spin and I ended up catching my breath. After two attempts at launching my fat-ridden carcass towards the water, I had to lay my dreams of becoming a wakeboarder on the sidelines. Well at least until I get the darned technique of turning at the buoys without hurling myself helpless and funneling the water straight through my mouth and nose.

Same afternoon, we went to the Cagsawa ruins. The air was surreal when I got there (well, at least for me that is). It was like stepping into a postcard. We moved quickly towards the site as we were trying to catch ample lighting for our photos. Soon it was dark and we started to head home.

The whole weekend went by fleetingly. Probably because we were having fun. Or maybe it was just really too short a time for us to go and visit more places.

I was happy to realize that on this particular trip, I learned a lot and was able to pick up a few things on the way (which I guess is true for any experience you gain). The following insights aren't exactly newfangled ones. They were just highlighted one way or the other during the whole trip.

• Despite our best efforts, we cannot please everyone. I would have died ages ago, had I not realized this sooner.
  

• We can control our actions (and reactions), but cannot do the same towards other people. In short, prudence. Inasmuch as we would want for others to (at least) have the same degree of control, it is near-impossible. So, instead of driving myself stark-raving mad trying to control them (or even expecting control from them), I focus on trying to curb my own leanings. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to be bitter. We can choose to be forgiving. We can choose to be mad. Whatever we do, ultimately, it is our choice that will matter. So we cannot go around blaming people for the things that they do to us. It doesn't (and shouldn't) work that way. Only we are responsible for our actions and we are somehow a part of the way other people treat us. If you feel like you are treated like crap, then maybe you are crap (or have actuations that make you look like crap). But if you think you are not crap, then maybe it's high time you show and prove yourself to the people around you that you are not deserving of such treatment. Get a grip. Take control. And stop pointing fingers.
  

• Your learning curve is your own. What may work for another person, may not necessarily work as good for you. Do try and try until you succeed, but always take a breather after each attempt. Life isn't always a competition in which you have to win. You might as well have a rockin' fun time and savor every second of it, instead of beating yourself down to a pulp and killing yourself in the process. Live another day to try again and have some more fun! What is important is that you are able to accept your shortcomings and do your best to try and work your way around them.

• Maturity cannot be forced. There are no shortcuts to being mature. I guess this kinda comes with time and age (and self-respect). Imagine me, at my age, throwing tantrums. Oh, well sige na nga. I still do throw fits of violent rage and show signs of inner turmoil. I am not perfect. I, too, experience "off-days." So sue me.

• Assumptions should be kept to one's self, especially ones that are most likely to be unfounded. Normally, one would make the wrong assumptions just about anything because we base solely on either one of the following: (1) a string of events, tied-up loosely at the ends to make a certain condition plausible or even remotely acceptable; (2) high expectations; (3) clouded judgment due to emotions caused by no. 2; and (4) misleading or incomplete information. Now, having said this, I hope nobody would assume that this is about them. This is my blog. These are my assumptions. So I better not get any outrageous and vehement reactions as I am not pointing out anything to anybody. This is about me. Period.
  

• One should learn to value, appreciate and be grateful for the blessings that come their way. A lot of people (including myself, of course) sometimes become too complacent and forget to be thankful for everything that's been given to us. Thankfully enough, I know many people who constantly remind me that I am always blessed even if I sometimes think (and feel) that I am not.

• Living together sheds people's affectations. People, to some extent, lower their guards in situations that make them comfortable. Not only do they let down any hanging pretensions, but they also tend to show what their true colors are. This doesn't necessarily make them "plastic" or even hypocrites. It's just that we are shown another façade of their personality that we seldom see (like when they are at home or are in the company of friends).
  

• Make the most out of every situation. Carpe diem.
  

• Not everybody can take what you have to say. As every individual is unique, coupled with the different backgrounds, various levels of intelligence, values and personalities, it would be difficult to ascertain if a certain someone would be able to digest the things that you would be telling them (without getting misunderstood). As a rule of thumb, if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it. Or if you have to say something not exactly nice, try to rephrase it to make it more "palatable" and less hurting. Unless you intend to make it that way (which is an entirely different story, fit to be told on another occasion).

• Empathy is a priceless trait. Most of the time, I try to place myself in the other person's shoes. I also try to be considerate. And sensitive. And understanding. But as I've said, I also experience "off-days." And during this "off-days," I undergo transformation and turn into an inconsiderate boob. Well, at least this only happens every once in a while. Unlike some poor sap I know... Oh, forgive my uncouth implications, as today happens to be an "off-day."

Got home around 1:00am this morning. I was tired and I was contemplating on how to get myself to sleep. After a cold shower, I lied down in bed. Apparently I got asleep even before I could think of anything.

Overall, I think the trip was a huge success. I got to Bicol for the first time. I tasted food that I previously didn't want to partake of. I got pictures taken of Mayon (even if it was hidden behind thick clouds). I got to think about a lot of stuff on the way and back. And I got a taste of the things to come my way. Am I happy? Of course I am. It's just that, instead of finding answers, a lot of questions cropped up. Thoughts rushed in. And the fool that I am, came tumbling after. I am in neck-deep. And it scares me.