Failure to launch

We had an extremely superb, albeit short, weekend trip around the Bicol region. Despite the occasional drizzling during the day (and the torrential rains during the wee hours of the night), we were able to have lots of fun (and pictures taken too)!

After a grueling 20-hour trip, we were in Bicolandia. The travel time was sort of long but I think it gave us enough time to enjoy each others company. We waned the waiting time with a medley of sorts and our friends' signature moves kept us awake through most parts of the trip. In spite of the mishaps, we arrived quite safely at our destination around 4:00pm, Friday. The skies were already overcast, foreboding the weather conditions that awaited us.

The following day we went to CamSur for the wakeboard thingy. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it. But since we were already there, I have tried to give kneeboarding a spin and I ended up catching my breath. After two attempts at launching my fat-ridden carcass towards the water, I had to lay my dreams of becoming a wakeboarder on the sidelines. Well at least until I get the darned technique of turning at the buoys without hurling myself helpless and funneling the water straight through my mouth and nose.

Same afternoon, we went to the Cagsawa ruins. The air was surreal when I got there (well, at least for me that is). It was like stepping into a postcard. We moved quickly towards the site as we were trying to catch ample lighting for our photos. Soon it was dark and we started to head home.

The whole weekend went by fleetingly. Probably because we were having fun. Or maybe it was just really too short a time for us to go and visit more places.

I was happy to realize that on this particular trip, I learned a lot and was able to pick up a few things on the way (which I guess is true for any experience you gain). The following insights aren't exactly newfangled ones. They were just highlighted one way or the other during the whole trip.

• Despite our best efforts, we cannot please everyone. I would have died ages ago, had I not realized this sooner.
  

• We can control our actions (and reactions), but cannot do the same towards other people. In short, prudence. Inasmuch as we would want for others to (at least) have the same degree of control, it is near-impossible. So, instead of driving myself stark-raving mad trying to control them (or even expecting control from them), I focus on trying to curb my own leanings. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to be bitter. We can choose to be forgiving. We can choose to be mad. Whatever we do, ultimately, it is our choice that will matter. So we cannot go around blaming people for the things that they do to us. It doesn't (and shouldn't) work that way. Only we are responsible for our actions and we are somehow a part of the way other people treat us. If you feel like you are treated like crap, then maybe you are crap (or have actuations that make you look like crap). But if you think you are not crap, then maybe it's high time you show and prove yourself to the people around you that you are not deserving of such treatment. Get a grip. Take control. And stop pointing fingers.
  

• Your learning curve is your own. What may work for another person, may not necessarily work as good for you. Do try and try until you succeed, but always take a breather after each attempt. Life isn't always a competition in which you have to win. You might as well have a rockin' fun time and savor every second of it, instead of beating yourself down to a pulp and killing yourself in the process. Live another day to try again and have some more fun! What is important is that you are able to accept your shortcomings and do your best to try and work your way around them.

• Maturity cannot be forced. There are no shortcuts to being mature. I guess this kinda comes with time and age (and self-respect). Imagine me, at my age, throwing tantrums. Oh, well sige na nga. I still do throw fits of violent rage and show signs of inner turmoil. I am not perfect. I, too, experience "off-days." So sue me.

• Assumptions should be kept to one's self, especially ones that are most likely to be unfounded. Normally, one would make the wrong assumptions just about anything because we base solely on either one of the following: (1) a string of events, tied-up loosely at the ends to make a certain condition plausible or even remotely acceptable; (2) high expectations; (3) clouded judgment due to emotions caused by no. 2; and (4) misleading or incomplete information. Now, having said this, I hope nobody would assume that this is about them. This is my blog. These are my assumptions. So I better not get any outrageous and vehement reactions as I am not pointing out anything to anybody. This is about me. Period.
  

• One should learn to value, appreciate and be grateful for the blessings that come their way. A lot of people (including myself, of course) sometimes become too complacent and forget to be thankful for everything that's been given to us. Thankfully enough, I know many people who constantly remind me that I am always blessed even if I sometimes think (and feel) that I am not.

• Living together sheds people's affectations. People, to some extent, lower their guards in situations that make them comfortable. Not only do they let down any hanging pretensions, but they also tend to show what their true colors are. This doesn't necessarily make them "plastic" or even hypocrites. It's just that we are shown another façade of their personality that we seldom see (like when they are at home or are in the company of friends).
  

• Make the most out of every situation. Carpe diem.
  

• Not everybody can take what you have to say. As every individual is unique, coupled with the different backgrounds, various levels of intelligence, values and personalities, it would be difficult to ascertain if a certain someone would be able to digest the things that you would be telling them (without getting misunderstood). As a rule of thumb, if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it. Or if you have to say something not exactly nice, try to rephrase it to make it more "palatable" and less hurting. Unless you intend to make it that way (which is an entirely different story, fit to be told on another occasion).

• Empathy is a priceless trait. Most of the time, I try to place myself in the other person's shoes. I also try to be considerate. And sensitive. And understanding. But as I've said, I also experience "off-days." And during this "off-days," I undergo transformation and turn into an inconsiderate boob. Well, at least this only happens every once in a while. Unlike some poor sap I know... Oh, forgive my uncouth implications, as today happens to be an "off-day."

Got home around 1:00am this morning. I was tired and I was contemplating on how to get myself to sleep. After a cold shower, I lied down in bed. Apparently I got asleep even before I could think of anything.

Overall, I think the trip was a huge success. I got to Bicol for the first time. I tasted food that I previously didn't want to partake of. I got pictures taken of Mayon (even if it was hidden behind thick clouds). I got to think about a lot of stuff on the way and back. And I got a taste of the things to come my way. Am I happy? Of course I am. It's just that, instead of finding answers, a lot of questions cropped up. Thoughts rushed in. And the fool that I am, came tumbling after. I am in neck-deep. And it scares me.

To be or not to be

As a true blue Libran, I have been constantly plagued with bouts of severe decision paralysis. And these situations involve, not life-changing decisions that need to be made, but normal, everyday stuff like picking a shirt (even if it's the same crappy set I choose from every week) or choosing between chocolate cake or ice cream (which sometimes invariably end up together in the same bowl).

When I am blessed with a lucid mind (which doesn't happen very often as of late), I can take [almost] any situation and be able to see both sides clearly. This trait can also come as a hindrance for me as I see both sides, it would sometimes be difficult for me to pick one, make a choice or take a side. This is where the predicament arises: decision paralysis at its best [or worst, depending on the situation].

There have been a number of thoughts that I have been pondering on and I haven't actually gotten any nearer a conclusion. I'd like to share them with you and I'd appreciate hearing what your opinions are regarding them:

1. On loving half-way and loving with all your heart and soul.
A few people have said to me that you shouldn't love too much as to leave yourself with nothing. "Magtitira ka para sa sarili mo." If this is the case, one would be loving someone only half-way (or not wholeheartedly) and not with one's very existence. Isn't it true that, for you to be able to say that you love someone, one must be able to love him/her with your heart and soul? "Hindi ba kapag nagmahal ka, dapat lahat-lahat, buong-buo ng pagkatao mo ibibigay mo para maramdaman ng taong minamahal mo na siya ay minamahal mo ng lubusan?"

2. Fighting for love and letting go.
When would you know that you should fight for love? Would you fight for love against all odds? Would you be steadfast even if the one you love isn't sure if the both of you should go on? Does it hold true that when you love someone, you should be ready to face anything and be prepared to overcome obstacles along the way? When would you know that you should let go? Or should you let go? Is letting go tantamount to saying that you are giving up?

3. A person should change for the one he/she loves or a person should accept his/her partner for what he/she is.
Should a person change for him/her to be accepted by the one he loves? Or should the person learn to accept and live with the shortcomings of his/her love?

I know that for some, the premises I have raised would seem childish and impudent. But let's say for the sake of argument, you had to make a choice, what would you do? Which would you choose?

Conversations Amongst Myself

For the record, and I want this to be quite clear, I am not psychotic. No, no really. I am not. It might not seem apparent at first glance, as I may exhibit negligible personality shifts and disorganized thinking, but I assure you that I am in complete control of all my conscious thought and mental processes. I AM... am I not?

What I admit that I do not have control over, are those darned voices that keep muttering inside my thick skull. Again, I repeat, I AM NOT CRAZY. But ever since I was a little kid, I've always felt that there wasn't a moment that I would be left alone. You couldn't see anybody around me. But that doesn't mean that I WAS alone.

It kinda helped me survive my early years as a kid. My mom was so protective of me that I wasn't allowed to play outside the house with other kids. Well, for good reason. The next house with a kid my age was nowhere near our place. I had to use binoculars and smoke signals just to get a simple invitation across to another kid. You could just imagine the lengths I would have to go through just to play with other kids on our street. Ah, my sweet childhood. Happy days... Yes. Happy daze.

This is exactly the reason why I had to content myself with what I had within my reach. I thought to myself, "What did I have that would keep me occupied?" Hmmm... My Lego set. My Lionbots. My RC car and track set. Countless episodes of Sesame Street and Batibot on the tube. Hmmm... what else.. Oh, my. I almost forgot. MY IMAGINATION. I think I had started using my imagination at such a young and fertile age that, my imagination seems to have grown a mind of its own...

I tried to shrug the voices off and reasoned that what was happening to me could be attributed to an [overly] hyperactive imagination. It can't be possible. No it can't be. Only me and my mom were at the house most of the time. I was quite sure that there was nobody around when I heard them. Yes. Them.

I remember hearing a few set of different voices depending on where I was in the house. There was this little voice that pulled me from deep slumber. Or the one voice that whispered softly and made me turn around and look at my back, only to find nothing. The weird thing is that all I can remember hearing were unintelligible whispers or sounds that made no sense. Imagine my surprise as only me and my mom where at the house at this time. Yup. Me. Mom. And them.

One time, I made this huge mistake of telling my superstitious aunts what I was experiencing and this prompted them to go on code red. They made me wear a scapular. They had me "treated" by an old witch doctor ["albularyo"]. I also had to wear a piece of cloth given by the "albularyo." It was a whole production. It was done in our ancestral home in San Pablo, and the kibitzers just continued pouring in as the "ritual cleansing" was performed. Fortunately, the whole event was over before things got worse. I was expecting to be tied as my head spun around uncontrollably... wait. That wasn't me. Hahaha.

Thankfully enough, I outgrew them. I do not hear powwows in my head any longer. I couldn't remember when was the last time I heard these voices. I guess it was a kind of coping mechanism I did to compensate for my lack of social interactions as a child. If this was the case, I need to surround myself with people and shun my reclusive ways lest I suffer a relapse of sorts.

I may seem like an oddball to others. A weirdo most of the time. Or worse, a rambling psychotic. Mumbling seemingly incohesive nothings at the corner. What I have now is what people may see as an outward manifestation of my advancing condition: I mussitate. Okay, so I might have overreacted by a notch... Others may view this as alarming, odd or even remotely irritating. I mussitate whenever I think. But it's that characteristic that makes me unique. I didn't realize that I would come to terms and appreciate this trait and all the others that makes me, well, ME. If you see me that way, it's normal. People who know me have grown accustomed with these nuances. I'm glad they've learned to laugh at it and came to accept it. C'est moi. And I love it! :P